Friday rewind…

I’ve been blogging for quite awhile now and I will eventually be bringing over some of my old stuff from it’s original home, to help you get to know me a little a better I will occasionally re-post some of the older stuff..

The one I’m re-posting today is something I think all of us have gone through many many…too damn many times. It’s enough to drive you crazy… enough to put you in a straitjacket even… a velvet one.. why velvet you ask?  Well, because insanity should be comfortable.

It won’t be over politics,religion… or Global warming

I don’t care what climatologists, political hacks or religious extremists say.. Our world will not come to

Mushroom cloud with prominent condensation rin...
Image via Wikipedia

an end because of any of their woes. Our world will come to an end because of the goddamn automated phone system.

True story.

My convection/microwave oven stopped working. I took it to the manufacturers repair shop and 7 days later they called and said it was like brand new again. I brought the machine home, plugged it in and… it didn’t work. Ok, if that was end of the story it would be enough to make someone in the tension-filled climate we live go a little whack-o-nut, but no… that’s not the end.

I took the machine back to the prominent repair company and said “Um, yeah… it’s still broken.” The nice gentleman asked “What seems to be the problem?” My reply,  “The same thing that was the problem when I brought it down to you last week, that  you were to have fixed and sent it home ‘as good as new’ yesterday”. He looked confused, I don’t know why he would have been confused unless he had a memory like a child or a dog because he had just seen me 20 hrs earlier and explained to me everything they had fixed. One would think he would remember what was wrong. But whatever, I explained once again my problem.

Fast-forward 8 days. Now, if you have ever had to live without a microwave for any amount of time you already know how  problematic  that can be.

“Hey honey, I’m just going to re-heat some leftovers for dinner because it’s been a super crazy day”…

and then WHAM! No fucking microwave. So why bother with leftovers since you have to get out all  the pots and pans to reheat something. As if that wasn’t enough, try re-heating your coffee, making the kids a quick after school snack, rapid-thawing out the pork loin you forgot to take out that morning. Yes, not having a microwave is more difficult than not having indoor plumbing. Because a bucket and some air freshener can work in a pinch, but nothing replaces that good ole instant radiation-zapped mac and cheese.

So, tensions are already at a strained level when  I listen to the message on my machine.

“Hello, this the very well known repair center, please call us about your microwave/convection oven that we have now had for a total of 20 days and tell us what is wrong with it so we can fix it, thank you and have a good day

Seems simple enough, let’s get out the phone book and call them right back. hmmmm, an (800) number, well that shouldn’t be too difficult I’ll just ask for the local shop’s number.


“Hello and thank you for calling…para el español, marque nueve”

and now, the fun begins.

“If you are calling about a service appointment you scheduled, please press One”

nope, not calling for that

“If you are calling to schedule a service appointment, please press Two”

nope, not calling for that

“If you are calling to find a local repair center, please press Three”

The Sears Tower in Chicago is the tallest buil...
Image via Wikipedia

hmmm, well maybe that’s it but lets listen to the other options

“If you are calling about anything else, please say ‘Other'”

uhh.. well ok maybe I do need 3….. ‘beep’

“Please wait while I  transfer you”


“Please say your telephone number starting with the area code”

… 321-555-5555

“Thank you, You said 374-995-5959, is this correct?”

uh, no

“I’m sorry, please say your telephone number starting with the area code”


“Thank you, you said 965-555-9999, is this correct?”


“I’m sorry, please enter your phone number using the key pad”


“Thank you, please press 1 for the address to the nearest repair center”


“The nearest center is located at 301 driving you nuts road, because I can, 32935. If this is it, you may hang up now”

motherf..bitchwhore.. I need the phone number, I need a person and NO this is not all!

“If you would like to return to the previous menu, please press 0”


(repeats original options}

No, NO I don’t want any of those…

“If you would like assistance, please say Help’


“If you would like to repeat any..”


“..please press 9”


enter husband carrying a hammer, “What the hell? I thought you were getting raped or something

“Shut up! I can’t hear what this bitch is saying”

“What do you mean shut up? You’re the one screaming and I just came in here because you’re screaming your everlovin’ head off for Help”

“I swear to Christ if you don’t shut the hell up.. .I’m going to stab you!!”

“Thank you and have a goodbye”

“Sweet Jumping Jesus…Do you see what you did? Now I have to call that crazy bitch back and go through that insanity all over again because you want to come in here and talk?

“You’re nuts you know that? Next time you’re being attacked don’t call me unless you want me to make popcorn so I can watch!”

“You can’t make popcorn because we don’t have a GODDAMN MICROWAVE!”

“HA! Ever hear of Jiffy-pop, Ms. know-it-all? “

“Take my advice.. sleep with your eyes open tonight and have the kids ‘test’ your food for you!”

“Oh yeah! Back at you baby!”

slams door!


dialing….. ringing.

“Hello and thank you for calling…para el español, marque nueve”

yes yes.. hurry up…

“…Press Two”

fine two whatever.. just for the love of GOD give me a human to speak to!

“What kind of appliance are you calling about?”

Oh dear God… A microwave

[California delegates cheering on stagecoach a...
Image by The Library of Congress via Flickr

“A Microwave, good let me transfer you to the small appliance center”

ahhhhhhhhhh…..yes. Yes YES!!!

“Hello, this is Bob can I help you?”

“Oh Bob.. Bobby.. Robert, yes you can help me. I took my microwave/convection oven down to my local repair center to get it worked on and they called me to ask what the exact problem was and I’m trying to call them to let them know but I don’t have a local number I only have the (800) number, do you have the local number”

“Let me check….”

waiting.. hear typing..waiting…

“What’s your phone number”


“Ok… Yep got it right here.. 407-555-1212”

“Um wait, 407 that’s Orlando.. I’m Melbourne, you don’t have the number to the local repair center, I have the address if you need it”

“Sorry, let me look again…. Yeah, no I don’t have that number but let me transfer you to the automated system and it will help you out”

“wait!.. WHAT?”

“Hello and thank you for calling…para el español, marque nueve”

edvard munch - the scream  1893
Image by oddsock via Flickr

Oh My…

“Hey Mom, how can I heat up this left over chicken?”

Lord, please forgive me for what I am about to do to those around me.


3 responses to “Friday rewind…

  • Geoff

    Do you still need a microwave? Cause I will buy you one for the laughs. Sleep with your eyes open. Haaaaaaaaaa!

  • ekg

    4 weeks, 1/2 dozen beatings, two calls to 911 and one to a local divorce lawyer (;) ) later and I finally got the damn thing back..

    here’s the kicker.. the warranty runs out the end of this month.. had they had to fix it 3 times, I could have gotten a new one.. (lemon law or something).. the price for fixing it those 2 times.. was $100 more than what the thing cost to begin with.. AND the ‘fix’ warranty runs out the day after the regular warranty..

    it’s like a goddamn Greek tragedy in the making..

    I tell ya, this place used to the mac-daddy when it came to repairs.. I remember growing up, no matter how old or worn your craftsman tool was, if it broke.. they replaced it for free.. but not anymore..

    it’s the automated systems I tell ya… they’re evil and they weed the less ‘hard-core’ of the population out.. so these places don’t realize just how much business they are losing all b/c of that ‘please press 1’ crap!

    Thank you for the offer tho.. 🙂 I’m glad you got a laugh out of it.. 🙂

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